It Ends With Us

I don't typically watch movies or tv but so many people recommended this movie to me that I finally watched it. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. The movie centers around the topic of domestic abuse but I find that it applies to all kinds of abuse.

It follows a young woman who meets a handsoome neurosurgeon. They start a relationship and pretty quickly things start to get sketchy.

What I loved about this movie is that it really shows how complex and confusing abuse can be for the victim. The way it is filmed, even though you know what it's about and can predict the ending, you find yourself second guessing yourself the whole time: "did he really hit her?" "That looked like it could have have been an accident." "He's so apologetic, it must not have been intentional." The entire movie you're unsure of what you're actually witnessing and feeling towards the main character, Ryle. It does a great job of showing you experientially what an abuse victim goes through mentally and why it's so difficult to get out.

It's always heartbreaking to me how much judgement there is about victims of abuse. "Why wouldn't she just leave him?"is a typical question and it usually comes from people who have been fortunate enough to have never been in an abusive relationship themselves, or have never witnessed one firsthand. Here are some answers to that question:

• the person may not even recognize the relationship as abusive. Even if friends, professionals and family members can see it clearly and have explicitly pointed it out to the person. This is true even of physical abuse but it's particularly true when the abuse isn't physical or sexual but is financial, psychological, verbal, etc. In other words, sometimes the abuse that's the most difficult to recognize is the kind that doesn't leave bruises.

• It takes a certain level of self worth to even maintain the standard that any form of abuse is unacceptable. Because so many people grow up in varying degrees of abusive households, it can literally take years of actively working on yourself to truly insist that you be treated with respect, kindness, and fairness in your relationships.

• It can be really difficult to reconcile the fact that someone who claims to love you (that you also love deeply) can also deliberately (and consistently) hurt you. This may be something that an abuse victim grapples with for the rest of their lives because it is so deeply difficult to understand and is a complete betrayal of trust.

• Leaving isn't easy, particularly if you're scared of what this person might do if you leave. If you have children with this person, you may fear for your children's physical or emotional safety. Again, even if you know you and your kids will be safe, it takes a certain level of self-confidence and resources to leave a long-term relationship or marriage.

The other thing that stood out to me during the movie is just how many red flags were there from the start, but were missed for a variety of reasons. If we reflect on our own relationships, we see that we've likely done this ourselves. We explain away inconsistencies in behaviour. We overlook strange or hurtful things that are said, we give the person the benefit of the doubt, we assume we're just being too critical and maybe the problem is with us. It's not until the very end, and even years after, that we see everything with clarity. This will bring on a new layer of grief and anger, but it's also the beginning of true healing.

Sometimes, like in many cases of psychological abuse, we waver. We ask ourselves, was it really that bad? Did I make that up? Is that really what happened? Am I being dramatic? My advice if you're in this situation is to ask yourself the following questions:

1) How does it feel in your body to think of this person?

2) How do you feel when you're physically around them?

2) When their name pops up in a text or email, what happens to you mentally, physically and/or emotionally?

Your body always knows. Your mind can explain things away, but your body always tells the truth. Pay attention.

If you're experiencing abuse, please reach out to friends, family, or a trusted health professional. You're not alone.

In health,

Dr. Renata